What will the X-Men do in the face of the last will and testament of Charles Xavier? Read my review of Uncanny #26 and find out..
The comic opens with Maria Hill having a moment where she realizes nothing is going right in her life. That tends to happen when someone wakes up with the Power of God and next to no control over it, which happens to be worse than a villain since they aren’t likely to end the world while still on it. The Avengers who can handle this are off-world, the Fantastic Four are nowhere to be seen, and she has to evacuate the state to prevent any more casualties. Good luck with that.
Meanwhile the X-Men fair little better with Cyclops wanting to leave and daddy Wolverine and mommy Storm are telling him to get on his big boy shorts while ultimately Emma Frost tells him to get in the damn plane. I’ll chalk it up to the fact that they don’t know Malloy is currently laying waste to South Carolina as the reason they’re taking their sweet time on the plane rather than using Magik to teleport them or the fact that they think those few alone will be able to handle this. Still, a Cerebro scan should have been done prior to take-off.
The only person who’s making a lick of sense is Firestar, the outsider, who’s more of a X-Men than her crush, Ice Kid. No, I did not misspell his name. Until he grows up from being a brat who tried to freeze the world over and gets off his high-horse, he’s just a prick. Even Wolverine wasn’t this bad at his worse when it came to his drama with Cyclops and that’s saying something. Those two could more or less work together when something tries to kill them or wipe out their species and go out of their way to save one another before a giant robot crushes them.
Maria Hill tries to get her Psi-division to do a long-range hack on the poor, world-ending bastard’s head, but he ends up giving them the mind-crush treatment. Oh well, that’s unfortunate for them. But she did learn that he’s a mutant, and that means it’s time to go see the X-Men about that and pawn the danger off.
And to round out the number of whiners in this issue we have Triage suddenly having a problem with attacking the Avengers in a training simulation despite having met them at least twice now. In the first place, you’re the healer. You’re not supposed to fight, you’re suppose to heal and try not to get shot first even though you can apparently heal yourself, Elixir-lite. Also, I call bullshit on Hijack being thirty; he’s twenty-five at best.
As the comic ends Beast says they really might not come back from this as Maria Hill catches up to the group.
Okay, review time….
Let’s be frank here, this issue could have cut out the pages with the kids arguing semantics and that double spread of Malloy so they could get to the meat of the story and have Rachel get to work on his brain or Maria Hill could try sniping the poor sod or something else before she needs to call in the X-men. They’re dragging this event out for some marketing scheme or other and it bores me to tears, which is a disappointment since I’ve grown tired of God characters who have just been introduced and lead to an escalation in the story that’s more than unnecessary.
I’m all for slow build-up, but get to the revolution already.
I can honestly say that if you skip it you won’t miss much, 2 out of 5.
Well, after the family bonding moment last issue why stop now? In my review of All New X-Factor #14 we look into what happens when Wanda pops up to complete the Children of Magneto arc. No, it’s not a real arc but still…. Also, as soon as the review is over I’m going on a minor rant, fair warning.
Anyway, the comic begins with Danger asking Polaris if she wants to have sex. Polaris is promptly confused, but Danger simply wants to experience what it feels like. It’s then that Wanda pops up, with whom Danger has a better chance to score with. Now my feelings on her and what she’s done are plain as the day is blue in the middle of a cloudless summer sky, so I won’t go on a four page rant about it. I don’t really need to given that Polaris points it out and Wanda is only exasperated because she’s still holding it against her, which proves my point as much as Uncanny Avengers did.
Wanda has come to try and reconnect with her, although given the timing that seems a little contrived, but Danger suggest that they go to an old medieval fair and they’re off. There’s also a subplot about some jealous prick, but he’s a nobody and no one cares for shoehorned drama. There’s not really much to go on, Wanda wants to do some sibling bonding since Quicksilver doesn’t socialize well while Danger looks like Doctor Doom in a cloak and then the jealous guy tries to murder his ex-girlfriend in a witch burning that the three promptly stop and do something that’s in all rights illegal if Polaris actually let him die.
After that they go to a bar and Wanda tries to get Polaris to join the sellouts now that Quicksilver quit. Again, contrived timing for her to show up and she even reveals that Havok had Quicksilver join as a spy in a casual manner, which is something you would expect them to keep a secret so it doesn’t get back to the people you’re spying on. I swear Havok sent her and is sitting in a chair with his fingers steepled like Mr. Burns and saying “Excellent” since he knows that’s going to fuck up the team cohesion.
There’s also a minor incident where two of the dumbest robbers in history try to hit a bar that hasn’t even been open long enough to get a decent amount of money and has three super-powered heroines who should have tied them to a pole or something but let them go instead since they have the gun clips, I mean it isn’t like they can buy more or anything.
Okay, review time
There are some things that don’t make sense, like why Danger needs a cloak when she has holographic technology or why they let the bad guys go, but those are minor compared to the fact that Wanda has once again fucked up in a way that has created more shoehorned drama that I don’t like in a comic I do. I mean she couldn’t be satisfied with just getting some character development that may have lightened the immense dislike I had of her, which they sucked at attempting for the record, but she had to fuck over Quicksilver after he just had his and started getting into my good books.
Before I start ranting further, the comic gets a 2 out of 5 for being mediocre with the only plot relevant thing on the last page.
Now, I honestly don’t know whether to blame the writers who make her an unrepentant bitch or the character entirely.
It’s bad enough they made her a goddamn reason for the long-ass Twin Apocalypse and Planet-X part of Uncanny Avengers, which I still peruse and then toss in the garbage like Linkara because fire is too good for it, but they are intent on trying to make her unlikable with the whole Children’s Crusade retcon, which didn’t work either because she’s on a steady supply of bitch pills and Doctor Doom could do better.
Whether there’s a mandate at Marvel saying make her unredeemable or the authors stuck at redemption stories I don’t know, but you’d think at some point they’d just say fuck it all and send her to get some mental help or slap a power dampener on her so she doesn’t go on another genocide kick because of Daddy issues that made it possible for men like Red Skull and the Purifiers to take advantage of the damage left behind on top of the millions who died when their powers went haywire.
Honestly, this is the reason I cheered when Rogue gutted her and then swore when they made her apologize after Wanda finished banging Wonder Man. I think I speak for all of us that a happy ending involves her being depowered and living a humble life out of sight and mind. At this point death is too good for her character so going into comic book limbo would be more fitting.
Okay, if you’re confused about why there are two Spider-Men and Green Goblin is back, you’re not alone. But, in my review of Miles Morales: The Ultimate Spider-Man #5 we cover the aftermath of the fiasco last issue.
Our comic begins with Peter, if that is him, and Miles being held up by the police. They have orders not to use their guns because it’s a residential area, but as soon as the two make a break for it Miles gets shot. Again, Spider-Sense should negate that risk but he has the excuse of having a weaker version that Peter. Still, it’s nothing lethal and, with Maria Hill’s help, both manage to get away.
Anyway, the two fake Spider-Men are brothers who look nothing like the originals, so they aren’t clones. One wants to capitalize on this to go cross another item off their list, but the other wants to play it safe. Whoever they’re working for doesn’t take disappointment well, so the reluctant one has to go along either way and they get dolled up for another robbery.
Maria Hill, in the meantime, helps Miles out because Peter Parker helped her out when she was a beat cop and then she got the collar for when he put down Kangaroo, so he pretty much made her career and she wants to help them both. At the same time, Green Goblin pays JJJ a visit in his penthouse apartment while the faux Spider-Men go rob an evidence room that holds super powered goodies.
Green Goblin, now Osborn again, paid JJJ a visit so he can go on record and give him an interview. It turns out that Miles’ Venom Blast managed to fry the crazy out of him for a time, making him more lucid and capable of remembering he killed his son. He believes that SHIELD, Roxxon, and Hydra are responsible and he needs to take power because those in power took everything from him. When he confirms he’s not done fighting, JJJ tries to put him out of his misery with a bullet, but considering how the last few times someone has done that hasn’t worked out that’s probably just a waste.
As the comic ends, Miles goes back to Queens while wearing a shirt over his uniform, which should bring up alarm bells either way, and goes to see MJ. He asks if Peter is there and she tries to send him away, but Peter then tells her to let him in so they can talk.
Okay, review time.
Well, this is sort a wind-down after that big battle the last time. While I would have loved to see how Katie Bishop, Jessica Drew, Aunt May, and Gwen Stacy took the news, we did learn why Maria Hill is so supportive of Miles. But seriously, I mean really, the one guy who shoots happens to land the shot on someone with Spider-Sense?
Unless Miles being injured later on makes it so that Peter has to die again to save him, it’s a waste. Anyway, 4 out of 5.